Vid den här tiden för fyra månader sedan låg jag, som nu, i min säng - förstörd och ångrade allt - och grät mig själv till sömns. Och nu ligger jag här - samma tid, samma plats - och ångrar inget.

Eller?

I sleep with windows open
I sleep with eyes wide
In case you would come walking
In case you change your mind
But don't strain yourself for me
Don't break yourself for me
Don't loose your selfish ways for me

1
2
3
4
5
6 a hundred times is fine
For you I go all blind, oh my where is my mind

I keep my window open
I keep it open wide
So keep me, keep it open
Oh keep me on your mind

Jag hade tänkt ut ett scenario där jag och den långa killen med blonda lockar, breda axlar och smala handleder var glada ihop. Och trots allt de andra säger, bryr jag mig inte. Det är kanske inte just han jag vill ha, kanske bara någon. Det är ju bara 4 månader sedan jag blev officiellt blev en. Även om jag känt mig som en i över ett halvår.

jag vet inte om jag vågar

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

Neil Gaiman

När man lagar lyxpasta för en person (sig själv, dvs) känner man sig lite ensam.

det är ju trots allt fredag den trettonde

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win
That's what you get when you let your heart win
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating
And that's what you get when you let your heart win

Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn

Pain, make your way to me, to me
And I'll always be just so inviting
If I ever start to think straight
This heart will start a riot in me

Why do we like to hurt so much?

Now I can't trust myself with anything but this
And that's what you get when you let your heart win